Parenting in the Age of Too Many Choices: Navigating Decision Fatigue and Paralysis

Published by Mile High Mamas

There are quite a few details people fail to share about parenthood with soon-to-be parents.  Like, for example, the fact that you will be required to make ALL KINDS of decisions.  Too many decisions, quite frankly: 

Should I allow my teen to make a mistake and learn from it, or should I intervene and redirect?

What well-balanced and semi-edible food item can I throw together to satisfy family members and keep their hunger at bay for greater than 20 minutes?

How many extracurriculars should I be pushing/allowing?

How much control should I impose on my kids’ friend choices?

Should I validate my older child’s growing suspicions that there is no Santa Clause?

How do I feel about sleepovers?

How can I covertly bid adieu to some of the art projects that recently came home in my child’s take-home folder?

Should I help my child choose his/her classes knowing it could impact their academics long-term, or should I foster independence and autonomy?

Several internet sources suggest that the average adult makes 35,000 decisions per day — about 2,000 per hour depending on how many hours they sleep. Parents make far more than this. They are the outliers, making decisions from sun up to sun down.  In so doing, it’s easy to fall victim to decision fatigue or decision paralysis. 

What’s the difference?

Decision-making paralysis and decision-making fatigue are two different beasts. Decision-making paralysis is as it sounds — you become so overwhelmed by the decisions you are faced, you simply cannot make up your mind.  You’re stuck. Decision-making fatigue involves making hasty and poorly considered decisions because you lack the cognitive ability, energy, and motivation to really consider the options and what they entail.

What to do about it?

Though the scenarios about which parents make decisions may change as our children age, the decision-making task itself remains strong while our kids are in our care.  Here’s how to deal:

Acknowledge contributing factors

Most of us have extraneous factors that will play into the stress of decision-making.  Decision-making will be more daunting if you’re hungry, tired, or if you’re in the midst of managing another conflict (or five). 

If you struggle with a mental health condition like anxiety, OCD, or ADHD, decision-making can become more overwhelming than might otherwise be the case. Likewise, attention difficulties lend to executive function impairments which can make it harder to plan ahead and make a sound decision. 

Recognize your decision-making style

One’s General Decision-making Style (GDMS) can be categorized into one of five:

(1) Rational (2) Avoidant (3) Dependent (4) Intuitive and (5) Spontaneous. Recognizing your style can allow you to consciously integrate another complimentary style into the process or make other changes as needed.

Practice mindfulness

Being aware of the feelings and sensations related to decision-making fatigue and paralysis is helpful. Accepting the feelings without judgment is a mindful way of experiencing life.

Strategically utilize your executive function skills

In a complex situation, it can be especially helpful to break things apart. Doing so will mean making multiple decisions about more manageable tasks thus diminishing the feeling of overwhelm, and allowing you to prioritize and address the most urgent decisions first.

Set boundaries

In healthy relationships, boundaries are a key ingredient. Boundaries are also important in decision-making.  It can be tough to make a decision you fear may negatively impact or disappoint someone else. Staying true to your values and assertively communicating needs and wants can ease the process.  When in doubt a simple, “I’ll get back to you,” is completely fine as you strive to make an informed decision.

Consult

Part of the overwhelm associated with decision-making is often the pressure we feel as the one and only decision maker.  But the pressure doesn’t have to fall on one person alone. Find someone with insight into the situation; someone with some buy-in and the ability to offer input without adding to the complexity of the process. Alternately, doing a little bit of journaling around the decision can offer clarity if you are more of an internal processor or when you simply don’t have someone available to bounce thoughts off of.

Consider your values

When you’re second-guessing yourself and the direction towards which you are leaning in the decision-making process, consider a quick values assessment. This can be a simple cognitive exercise used to identify or clarify what is most important to you and your family. From there, it becomes much easier to make a firm decision without having to look back. 

Take action

Taking action of any type will likely help alleviate the burden of constant decision-making. Gaining some momentum of any type, even if unrelated to the decision at hand, will help avoid general stagnation. Walking the dog, finishing a chore around the house, or running an errand could give enough space to offer decision-making clarity shortly thereafter.

At the end of the day, there’s no right or wrong.  Many of the decisions we make can be undone or tweaked as needed. If we endeavor to remain curious, adaptive, and committed to learning from decisions with negative outcomes, we remove the power from the decision itself and are left with the process.